an open letter to the spiders of the world

To my eight legged rivals:

I understand that I have committed great crimes against your society. I admit to being a slaughterer of countless arachnids. I am not proud of what I have done. I have never enjoyed taking the life of one of your ilk, however, the rules of society change during wars, and I have only acted violently when under attack. I have never, I repeat, never, taken any action unless provoked. Such is the tenor of our treaty. We do not act unless acted upon.

That is why I found today’s intrusion so offensive. When one of your agents took it upon himself to exploit my fears by peering at me from beneath the lip of the commode and then taking a kamikaze dive into the water in order to avoid interrogation, well, that was simply a breach of etiquette.

Be advised, Spiders, any further action taken by any of your minions will be met with deadly force. Our treaty is hereby revoked, and there will be no mercy.

Sincerely, JJM



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6 responses to “an open letter to the spiders of the world

  1. alese

    Doug and I want to know when you observed the invader. Before, during or after your use of the aforementioned commode?

  2. KMR reporting for duty sir!

  3. Jen

    That would totally scare me to death! Talk about invasion of a sacred space 🙂

  4. You actually had a TREATY with them?! I’ll never think of you the same way again, Jessica. (ps–I once had one dangle from the ceiling, crawl down my back and drop into the toilet as I was, ahem, sitting.)

  5. Teresa

    Too Funny !!!!

  6. emily a.

    what is the deal with spiders lately?
    my friend kim had one ON her toilet paper and almost wiped with the spider!!!

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